Friday, June 13, 2008

Are you thirteen years old?

Here are some questions designed using advanced and proprietary scientific methods developed by our highly qualified behavioral scientists here at bullshit inc to determine whether or not you are a member of the fabled 13 year old demographic on the internets.

  1. Are you thirteen?
  2. Do you think HTML is a programming language?
  4. Did you not see anything wrong with the above quoted sentence?
  5. Do you still not see anything wrong?
  6. Seriously, everything is wrong with it.
  8. Are you now threatening to "H4XX0R" me?
  9. Do you actually think you could "H4XX0R" me?
  10. Do you ever wonder how people always guess your age when you start talking?
  11. Are you using your parent's computer?
  12. Is it running Windows ME?
  13. Did you say yes to that question because you don't actually know?
  14. Did you just start crying?
  15. Do you think vastly opposing solid colors are an excellent choice in color schemes? Like Blue and red or neon green and orange?
  16. Did you change the color scheme on your "5uP4R L337 (windows me) B0x" so it's bright blue and red?
  17. Do you have a myspace?
  18. Do you link to it your AIM profile?
  19. Do all of your websites match your windows color scheme?
  20. Is !!!!~~~l337h4xx0rzdude~~~!!!! a pretty cool user name?
  21. Do you follow people around in MMOs asking them for their sword.
  22. Do you feel the need to tell people when your parent is totally bugging you and how it's like super annoying?
  23. Do you believe that words can be adequately substituted with letters? Like: u for you, r for are, y for why and so on?
  24. Do you lie about having a girlfriend so your Internet friends will think you're cool?
  25. Did you really really like the hacking scenes in Die Hard 4 because you could totally do that if you could find the program they used.
If you answered yes to a large portion of these you belong to the ever popular "damn thirteen year old" crowd. Congratulations.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Thoughts On: Tech Support

Often the technically competent are subjected to a torture that is entirely a consequence of their technical competence. If the competent had just left the light bulb a bowl of flaming liquid the whole field of tech support would never have come about. In the days of bowls of flaming liquid, those who couldn't figure it out were eaten when their whimpers attracted predators to their dark abodes. Unfortunately the light bulb and it's horrid accompanying advances created the occupation most loathed by the technical people: tech support.

Let us begin to illustrate the issue by returning to our light bulb. The technically versed takes one look at the threading, turns off the power, screws in the bulb and has light. The average user looks at the threading, wonders why some moron added all these useless little ridges ,decides it will need extra coaxing, tries to force it into a socket with a hammer, gets shocked, and after a brief hospital visit, calls tech support.

Now, part of the problem is that people who need support are partly in charge of the whole light bulb design process. After enough tech support any technical person would be more than willing to just give all the non-techies a hammer, a box of light bulbs, and let them go to town until the problem solves itself. Instead we have lawyers, half-witted drool dispensers and marketing to make sure everyone has access to the light bulb and that the only ones to blame for the resulting nationwide epidemic of shocks are the techies for not making the darn things hammer proof in the first place.

Of course one may imagine the glorious empire we would have were it not for the aforementioned army of ill witted, hammer wielding oxygen theives. Just imagine the beautiful efficiency with which it would run. The pizza delivery robots, the flawless automatic transport systems, and the myriad of other wonders it would have. Just imagine how flawlessly they would run. Just, imagine. flawless...

Until of course they break down... and the repair bots flip a switch and start equipping lamp poles to fire missiles. So, maybe things are good now. When compared to providing tech support to grumpy lamp poles with missile launchers, maybe we should just stick to letting idiots own hammers and light sockets.